Liverpool Crown Court has heard that Steven Gerrard ‘totally lost it’ with a DJ who supposedly refused to play a Phil Collins record for the Scouse boy wonder, with CCTV footage showing the scuffle from 2008.

Gerrard allegedly hit out at businessman Marcus McGee “with a succession of well-aimed uppercut punches delivered with the style and speed of a boxer” at the Lounge Inn, Southport.

Gerrard pleads self-defence, which the prosecution disputes. Gerrard’s codefendents all plead guilty.

Here’s how the prosecution see the incident, after Gerrard allegedly demands a card that controls the music system with the words “Here y’are lad. Give me that lad.” McGee objected to the expression ‘lad’, which given that he lives on Merseyside must pose a lot of problems.

“Not many people on Merseyside, or indeed anywhere else would refuse a request from Steven Gerrard, but Mr McGee did.

“There can be no doubt that this refusal astounded Steven Gerrard. He walked away back to his party, but the CCTV evidence shows how much his mood had changed. He was no longer the centre of that high-spirited party.

“He was clearly walking round, pondering, musing over what had happened, about the man who said no to Steven Gerrard.”

A few minute later, according to the prosecution, Gerrard approaches McGee with the words: “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Steven Gerrard had clearly lost his cool – he was very angry with Marcus McGee.”

And then commences a hail of punches, though the CCTV footage does not make it clear who’s doling them out.

Where to start here? The supposed Phil Collins record? The fact that the entire brawl hinged on Gerrard calling McGee ‘lad’? The prosecution’s florid descriptions?

The whole affair is rather ridiculous, and quintessentially scouse.

It’s to be hoped that uses of ‘lad’ in casual conversation are not grounds for fisticuffs in the capital of culture from now on though, the courts would be packed.